Anxiety and Guilt at Five

In an effort to trace my frequently overwhelming demons of guilt and anxiety I’ve been trying to trace it back to their origins.  The first time I remember feeling guilty is when my grandpa died when I was 5. I felt I hadn’t given him enough attention or love. His death was sudden and accidental. Head injury.  Brain bleed.  Which is a bizarre thing for a child to think…I think. I’m not entirely sure what normal kids think about.

The anxiety was originally just manifested by severe separation anxiety from my mother. This is mostly because I had horrid asthma when I was little and acutely aware that if not addressed properly I would just…die. after my grandpa dies I realized that you didn’t need to be sick to die. I was horrified that my mom could die while I wasn’t there. Every time she left me anywhere I would have what I know now is a panic attack.

I grew out of the asthma eventually. The guilt and anxiety. ..not so much.


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